THE PRECARIOUS STATE OF "FRIENDSHIP"
I'm writing this to get some things off my chest, as well as publish (unedited except for names) some conversation that has been posted about me online in Facebook. I want those who have been reading things to see the full dialogue. I'm leaving nothing out that was written.
If any author of the below material does not wish for it to be published in this forum, please let me know and I will remove it and replace it with a comment stating that it has been removed. I've omitted names, except for my own, for anonymity.
The other week I made a wall post onto the profile of someone I consider a friend from my high school days.
The posting:
"OMG, you're still in Bakersfield?
How are you?"
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Unfortunately, this was taken as extremely negative by the recipient. I was de-friended without an explanation and the following Note was posted on their profile:
"Monday, August 11, 2008 at 8:24pm
SOMEONE'S GOTTA SAY IT: RISE UP AGAINST PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES NOW!
I recently got a post from some pretentious fuckwad jackhole who I have since deleted.
Here's why:
Its been 12 years since I've seen this guy, and what are his first words to me on facebook? "OMG, you're still in Bakersfield?" Yeah, asshole, I live in Bakersfield! You still a virgin?
Oh, the dangers of quick judgment and assumptions.
I don't give a shit who you are, where you live, what you do for a living, how many degrees you have, if you're fat, bald, ugly, super rich or dead ass broke.
What I do care about is, WHO ARE YOU NOW? What have you been up to? If you are a doctor now, cool! If you live in Paris, rock on! But NONE of us are defined by where we live or what we do for a living! Share the stories and the pictures that make you REAL, not the crap that you think other people will find impressive.
TIME TO RISE UP AND FIGHT THE POWER! Fight against jackholes who want to turn the internet into another way to shove their superficial "successes" in your face just because they want to feel better than you.
!!!VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!
*Name Removed*"
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Comments to this note included:
Comment 1 (supportive):
"wow. youre angry. I didnt get that impression from his comment. Didnt it say "how are you" after that? I dont like Bakersfield either and would never want to go back, but I would hate for you to assume I am judging you by making that statement. I think your comment about him still being a virgin is much more harsh. Anywhoo. Im guessing youre gonna boycott me too? :("
Comment 2 (seemingly neutral):
"There are worse places in the US than being in bakersfield... I for example live in a city where motorized wheel chairs are a common occurance in the McDonald's drive thru. I also live in a city that has a "fancy" country club and the men and women's bathrooms are labeled does and bucks... On the news the other night a story about a gay man's house burning down, a crime against him for being in a porno ring this story was followed by a story about the 5th and 6th graders getting in a lunch room fight... trust me there are much worse places in the US than bakersfield haha."
Comment 3 (negative. person obviously dislikes me personally):
"It sounded like a bit of a slight to me too; i thought it was an odd way to open a dialogue to say the very least. Lots and lots of us are "still" in bakersfield...or are BACK in bakersfield. If that's what blows his very unfashionable skirt up then super swell for him. It could be worse. he could still live here, too. Having said that he may not have meant for it to sound catty at all. He was always a bit awkward in High School, it could just be social retardation."
Comment 4 (Original Poster's response to Comment 1):
"hey *Name Removed*!
how you doin'? No, I'm not deleting you. I draw crucial distinctions between:
1) expressing hate for bakersfield based on reality,
2) expressing hate for bakersfield based on insecurity, and
3) judging others based on where they live.
All very separate and distinct positions.
love you no matter what category you're in,
*Name Removed*
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In response, I wrote the following personal message to the person who obviously was offended by my wall posting:
"August 13, 2008 at 1:24pm
On Friendship...
Yeah, we haven't been in touch for a long time. Innocently, I posted to your wall with a message that made you very angry. That wasn't its intention. I don't look down on Bakersfield or those who live there, if that's how you took it. Until recently, my parents were still living there. I visited them occasionally. I have Bakersfield listed as my home town on my profile. I have such great memories from my home town.
You have a lot to be proud of. You have a great career and a husband. I don't know much else about you these days, and so that's why I was opening a chain of communication.
In any case, I figured that maybe I could get a personal response instead of reading 2nd-hand information vilifying me in a forum visited by many of our mutual friends.
I don't really think you know the "real" me either, and that's why I want to give friendship another chance. I was completely honest when I reached out to you the first time and asked "How are you?".
-Bryan"
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Here was the response I received back:
"August 15, 2008 at 1:44pm
I figured that, bryan. I know you are not mean-spirited. I posted something I hope will heal things a bit.
I stand by what I wrote, though, and the fact that many people felt the same way speaks to how real these prejudices are whether you intended your words to reflect them or not.
I do apologize for hurting you.
who knows, maybe we'll have a chance to reconnect over drinks sometime. gimme call if you're in town. *Phone Number Removed*
*Name Removed*"
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Another Note was posted, my assumption is that this is the one that was supposed to be "heal things a bit":
"August 15, 2008 at 1:27pm
Confession Time.
I was so nervous to face any backlash to my first note. All my capital lettering, mega potty mouth-ness, and (for me anyway) bold emotional content and vulnerability.
If you knew me back in the day, you know that I never willingly put myself out there like that. So scared- So interested in anonymity. hating real confrontation. It still raises my anxiety level alot...
But I feel such a victory here today. Maybe small to others, but big to me.
whether you read my note and ignored it, responded negatively, posititvely, intellectually, or whatever, isn't what matters.
What matters is that usually unspoken dialogues were started that have the potential to establish a Judgment-Free, Tolerant, and completely Open forum for discussing ANYTHING.
YAY!
If it exists in this world, I REFUSE to fear it.
*Name Removed*
PS- I have spoken to the subject of my previous note. He said many redeeming things, and I am open to him.
PPS: as a great friend of mine from Mexico once told me, "Nunca pides perdon." I won't apologize for the swearing- Its just too fucking fun. ;)"
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Now that I have a soapbox...
Interpret it as you will, but I probably should have used the word "back" instead of "still" in my original wall posting, because I was well aware that this person was not living in Bakersfield the entire time since I had lived there. But that's besides the point.
Bakersfield is where I grew up, and there's no shame in that. The more friends I have there, the better, because in my opinion we had a lot of fun in the past, and there's no reason that it can't be rekindled at some later date. My family owns a home there, I thought at one time of owning a home there. It gets a bad rep, and I defend it amongst my friends, colleagues and the people that I meet in my daily life. Of course there is always good humor to poke at it too. I don't think anyone can deny that. But I consider that something to be cherished. It's a place with character.
The main point I want to make here is to highlight the hypocrisy that exists in what has been inaccurately called a "Judgment-Free, Tolerant, and completely Open forum". There was a lot of effort in this forum spent personally attacking me. Judging me? Tolerant? I was de-friended and vilified in a forum containing mutual "friends" without an explanation. Open forum? I sure wasn't able to have my response. My response and opinion was not published. That's why I've posted it unedited here now.
I try not to care about it, but it's depressing to realize that people in my past considered me some kind of social deviant. That's not the way I remember it. And seriously, if that's what any of you think of me still, I don't want any ties to you. I never should have in the first place if that's the case.
It's also difficult understanding that the few words I wrote some how labeled myself as being "pretentious", "a virgin", and pushing my own "superficial 'successes'". It's puzzling and hurtful. I appreciate that the word "apologize" was used, but it's not really backed-up by any substance. It's a superficial "apology".
So, I can only make an educated guess that there is some long-standing problem I had with this person that has since eluded me. Or, do I some how represent something that this person is fighting against? If anyone has ideas, please let me know.
Labels: friendship, life
7 Comments:
Wow. Such drama created over so little.
Disclaimer: Obviously I'm biased because you've been a good friend for about the past 8 years or so and I'm in a better position to speak about you.
First of all, it's known that nuance does not travel well electronically. Without knowing someone well or having an extended conversation, can one distinguish sarcasm from a genuine question when it comes to email/IM/blogging? Usually, no.
I'm not from Bakersfield, but based on this response I wonder if there's is some stereotype of people who live in Bakersfield (or of those that haven't left). The offended person seems to feel this way since asking someone if they are "still" in Bakersfield makes them a "pretentious asshole." That sounds harsh in my book.
It's interesting that you distinguish between "still" and "back", even if you knew she had left. A simple mistake? Even then, that doesn't warrant calling someone an "fuckwad jackhole."
I can't believe so much is read from so little. That a simple question makes you judgmental and ostentatious ("shoving your superficial successes").
Commenter 1 is clearly right. This person does sound angry. My first reaction was that she sounded bitter. Commenter 3 also seems to belong in this camp.
Well, your response was definitely a more calm and rational response than I would've written and I think you deserve a real apology (not a partial one with footnotes).
Anyway, I do find the "social retardation" comment hilarious (not because it's true but it's just a funny remark in general). It's also quite ironic because it smells of highschool-ish conformity and is such a judgmental comment in itself.
Same disclaimer as above.
That said, um, overreaction much? And I can actually see how "OMG, you're still in Bakersfield?" could be taken the wrong way. However, it was followed by a clearly friendly "How are you?" Hm. Selective quoting. Even giving the benefit of the doubt to the recipient, it's beyond inappropriate (and dare I say childish) to resort to name calling in a public forum where so many of you share friends. Clearly, this person has some insecurities.
What's with the "i figured that, bryan" comment in her e-mail? She didn't figure that. Obviously she didn't figure that, otherwise, why post the original entry? Is she really sorry she hurt you? One has to assume that, if she figured that you were being friendly but had just chosen unfortunate wording yet still called you names, she meant to hurt you on purpose. She apologized for your reaction. That's not a real apology.
Note that if you hadn't posted your e-mail exchange, people would have moved onto the next entry proclaiming victory. First, she didn't address her misunderstanding, making it seem as though YOU had apologized, and second, she hopped right back on her high horse waving her "Judgment-free, Tolerant, and completely Open forum" banner. That's ironic, given what she had originally written about you.
And "nunca pides perdon"? Seriously? This is what you want to live by? Who here lives a perfect life? I wonder how many people this "great friend" has left in his/her unapologetic wake. Everybody makes mistakes. Everyone will hurt someone at some point. Those who can't admit to their faults are the cowards.
I suppose I might be biased as well because I know Bryan and I don't know who this highschool friend is, but I've only known Bryan for the past couple of years from eating Indian buffet with him on a semi-monthly basis, so I'm probably the least biased.
I'm not from CA so I don't know any of the stereotypes of Bakersfield, so when I read Bryan's first wall post, it seemed pretty innocuous. Looking back, I can see how you COULD read it as "pretentious," but given the context of the entire post (i.e., the "how are you?"), I don't think Bryan had any malicious intent behind the post. However, the fact that the reader DID interpret it as malicious indicates that maybe SHE feels like she's "still in Bakersfield." I don't know why else you interpret it that way or be SO offended by it unless it struck a nerve. To the point of de-friending for that matter, which takes some degree of effort.
I don't believe her "apology" was true apology. She did not apologize for the SAME judgmental behavior which she wrongly attacked Bryan for. EVEN IF Bryan was being judgmental in his wall post, her reaction was clearly disproportionate (really? name-calling?) and certainly not judgment-free.
Instead of apologizing for her behavior, she rationalizes her inappropriate reaction by celebrating the virtues of having an "open forum" and giving herself a pat on the back. She says that even if Bryan didn't mean it, the fact that people agreed with her means that the prejudice exists. Well, sure, I don't disagree that prejudice exists. But do you have to make that point at Bryan's expense?
She says she "stands by what she wrote," and ends the message with a quote about never apologizing. I agree with Peter; I think Bryan deserves a real apology too.
Oh man. It's sweet reading about that shit happening to other people. That kinda stuff used to happen to me all the time. You know it used to take me, like, five times longer than it should to write an email 'cause I've got to look at it from every angle. Could they think I think this? Might they think I think that? About 18 months ago - when I was getting tight for time - I realized I could just send five uneditied emails. Sure I'd wind up offending some people, but mostly I'd just be in touch with a whole lot more people. So now I write a lot more, I accept the occasoinal hurt feeling, and yes sometimes I write offensive things. Speaking of which: all this reflection and advice is not applicable if that chick was hot and you were just reaching out to try and score. In that case you should have played it totally differently. -- Andrew
I would take the disclaimer as those friends above, but I don't think I need to. Read the sentences below:
OMG, you're still in San Francisco? How are you?
OMG, you're still in NYC? How are you?
Substitute any other city/town of your liking and you'll find that the sentence has an entirely different ring.
This misunderstanding is only a product of her own insecurities.
Requisite disclaimer: Bryan is an old college friend and I don't know his Facebook friend.
However, to balance out that disclaimer I also happen to have a very sensitive and accurate crazy meter, and according to my crazy meter girlfriend is bat-shit crazy fo sho...
Who de-friends a person over a brief "wassup" message and posts an inflammatory message in a public forum that includes mutual friends?? This is like the online bullying that we hear about in the news except we don't actually relate to it since we were all safely past puberty by the time the internets and myspace were all the rage. Or so I thought.
I believe your friend genuinely thought you were insinuating she was a loser for "still" being in Bakersfield and was very angry. As mentioned above, this is only a product of her own insecurities. And ugh, "apologies" that are really passive aggressive non-apologies...those are infuriating.
It's very hard to go through life assuming the worst of people and equally hard to never humble yourself to be able genuinely apologize when you've wronged someone. I don't envy anyone who lives by that motto.
Bryan of course took the high road and sent a very conciliatory reply. I know he did so because Bryan is one of those incredibly sincere and kind people that are practically incapable of being mean-spirited, manipulative, or passive-aggressively mean.
Also, I didn't know Bryan in high school but socially retarded virgin and pretentious asshole he is not, lol. A more accurate description would be funny and extroverted uber-geek with tendencies towards the white man's overbite while dancing.
I, on the other hand, AM a pretentious asshole, so I need to end this post so I can continue my elitist career/academic pursuits and find ways to use the internet to push my yuppie success in the face of others.
And by the way Bryan, if you ever send me message saying "OMG, you're still in Baltimore? How are you?", I'll shitlist you forever. Baltimore is the shiz...
Christine
I know this is an old post but I finally found the time to digest the entry-- man, your old friend is an insecure idiot.
Of course we assume (by default) the last place we knew that person was at. If you hated that person, you would not have written on his/her wall and tried to be friendly. I actually think it's cute/funny to be from bakersfield, it's a great conversation starter that's for sure. who cares where you are from as long as you are doing the best you can! i'm glad you're the bald, rich, pretentious person that your friend thinks you are! you sure showed him/her! Just kidding. Hope all is well, i take it your're STILL in Sunnyvale?
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