THE PRECARIOUS STATE OF "FRIENDSHIP"

I'm writing this to get some things off my chest, as well as publish (unedited except for names) some conversation that has been posted about me online in Facebook. I want those who have been reading things to see the full dialogue. I'm leaving nothing out that was written.

If any author of the below material does not wish for it to be published in this forum, please let me know and I will remove it and replace it with a comment stating that it has been removed. I've omitted names, except for my own, for anonymity.

The other week I made a wall post onto the profile of someone I consider a friend from my high school days.

The posting:
"OMG, you're still in Bakersfield?
How are you?"

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Unfortunately, this was taken as extremely negative by the recipient. I was de-friended without an explanation and the following Note was posted on their profile:

"Monday, August 11, 2008 at 8:24pm
SOMEONE'S GOTTA SAY IT: RISE UP AGAINST PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES NOW!

I recently got a post from some pretentious fuckwad jackhole who I have since deleted.
Here's why:

Its been 12 years since I've seen this guy, and what are his first words to me on facebook? "OMG, you're still in Bakersfield?" Yeah, asshole, I live in Bakersfield! You still a virgin?

Oh, the dangers of quick judgment and assumptions.

I don't give a shit who you are, where you live, what you do for a living, how many degrees you have, if you're fat, bald, ugly, super rich or dead ass broke.

What I do care about is, WHO ARE YOU NOW? What have you been up to? If you are a doctor now, cool! If you live in Paris, rock on! But NONE of us are defined by where we live or what we do for a living! Share the stories and the pictures that make you REAL, not the crap that you think other people will find impressive.

TIME TO RISE UP AND FIGHT THE POWER! Fight against jackholes who want to turn the internet into another way to shove their superficial "successes" in your face just because they want to feel better than you.

!!!VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!
*Name Removed*"

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Comments to this note included:

Comment 1 (supportive):
"wow. youre angry. I didnt get that impression from his comment. Didnt it say "how are you" after that? I dont like Bakersfield either and would never want to go back, but I would hate for you to assume I am judging you by making that statement. I think your comment about him still being a virgin is much more harsh. Anywhoo. Im guessing youre gonna boycott me too? :("

Comment 2 (seemingly neutral):
"There are worse places in the US than being in bakersfield... I for example live in a city where motorized wheel chairs are a common occurance in the McDonald's drive thru. I also live in a city that has a "fancy" country club and the men and women's bathrooms are labeled does and bucks... On the news the other night a story about a gay man's house burning down, a crime against him for being in a porno ring this story was followed by a story about the 5th and 6th graders getting in a lunch room fight... trust me there are much worse places in the US than bakersfield haha."

Comment 3 (negative. person obviously dislikes me personally):
"It sounded like a bit of a slight to me too; i thought it was an odd way to open a dialogue to say the very least. Lots and lots of us are "still" in bakersfield...or are BACK in bakersfield. If that's what blows his very unfashionable skirt up then super swell for him. It could be worse. he could still live here, too. Having said that he may not have meant for it to sound catty at all. He was always a bit awkward in High School, it could just be social retardation."

Comment 4 (Original Poster's response to Comment 1):
"hey *Name Removed*!

how you doin'? No, I'm not deleting you. I draw crucial distinctions between:

1) expressing hate for bakersfield based on reality,
2) expressing hate for bakersfield based on insecurity, and
3) judging others based on where they live.

All very separate and distinct positions.

love you no matter what category you're in,
*Name Removed*

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In response, I wrote the following personal message to the person who obviously was offended by my wall posting:

"August 13, 2008 at 1:24pm
On Friendship...

Yeah, we haven't been in touch for a long time. Innocently, I posted to your wall with a message that made you very angry. That wasn't its intention. I don't look down on Bakersfield or those who live there, if that's how you took it. Until recently, my parents were still living there. I visited them occasionally. I have Bakersfield listed as my home town on my profile. I have such great memories from my home town.

You have a lot to be proud of. You have a great career and a husband. I don't know much else about you these days, and so that's why I was opening a chain of communication.

In any case, I figured that maybe I could get a personal response instead of reading 2nd-hand information vilifying me in a forum visited by many of our mutual friends.

I don't really think you know the "real" me either, and that's why I want to give friendship another chance. I was completely honest when I reached out to you the first time and asked "How are you?".

-Bryan"

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Here was the response I received back:

"August 15, 2008 at 1:44pm

I figured that, bryan. I know you are not mean-spirited. I posted something I hope will heal things a bit.

I stand by what I wrote, though, and the fact that many people felt the same way speaks to how real these prejudices are whether you intended your words to reflect them or not.

I do apologize for hurting you.

who knows, maybe we'll have a chance to reconnect over drinks sometime. gimme call if you're in town. *Phone Number Removed*

*Name Removed*"

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Another Note was posted, my assumption is that this is the one that was supposed to be "heal things a bit":


"August 15, 2008 at 1:27pm

Confession Time.

I was so nervous to face any backlash to my first note. All my capital lettering, mega potty mouth-ness, and (for me anyway) bold emotional content and vulnerability.

If you knew me back in the day, you know that I never willingly put myself out there like that. So scared- So interested in anonymity. hating real confrontation. It still raises my anxiety level alot...

But I feel such a victory here today. Maybe small to others, but big to me.

whether you read my note and ignored it, responded negatively, posititvely, intellectually, or whatever, isn't what matters.

What matters is that usually unspoken dialogues were started that have the potential to establish a Judgment-Free, Tolerant, and completely Open forum for discussing ANYTHING.
YAY!

If it exists in this world, I REFUSE to fear it.

*Name Removed*

PS- I have spoken to the subject of my previous note. He said many redeeming things, and I am open to him.

PPS: as a great friend of mine from Mexico once told me, "Nunca pides perdon." I won't apologize for the swearing- Its just too fucking fun. ;)"

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Now that I have a soapbox...

Interpret it as you will, but I probably should have used the word "back" instead of "still" in my original wall posting, because I was well aware that this person was not living in Bakersfield the entire time since I had lived there. But that's besides the point.

Bakersfield is where I grew up, and there's no shame in that. The more friends I have there, the better, because in my opinion we had a lot of fun in the past, and there's no reason that it can't be rekindled at some later date. My family owns a home there, I thought at one time of owning a home there. It gets a bad rep, and I defend it amongst my friends, colleagues and the people that I meet in my daily life. Of course there is always good humor to poke at it too. I don't think anyone can deny that. But I consider that something to be cherished. It's a place with character.

The main point I want to make here is to highlight the hypocrisy that exists in what has been inaccurately called a "Judgment-Free, Tolerant, and completely Open forum". There was a lot of effort in this forum spent personally attacking me. Judging me? Tolerant? I was de-friended and vilified in a forum containing mutual "friends" without an explanation. Open forum? I sure wasn't able to have my response. My response and opinion was not published. That's why I've posted it unedited here now.

I try not to care about it, but it's depressing to realize that people in my past considered me some kind of social deviant. That's not the way I remember it. And seriously, if that's what any of you think of me still, I don't want any ties to you. I never should have in the first place if that's the case.

It's also difficult understanding that the few words I wrote some how labeled myself as being "pretentious", "a virgin", and pushing my own "superficial 'successes'". It's puzzling and hurtful. I appreciate that the word "apologize" was used, but it's not really backed-up by any substance. It's a superficial "apology".

So, I can only make an educated guess that there is some long-standing problem I had with this person that has since eluded me. Or, do I some how represent something that this person is fighting against? If anyone has ideas, please let me know.